Prompt Library

Friendship & Social Connection

Twelve prompts for the most common Tier 2 referral in elementary and middle school: the friendship that broke, the group that closed up, the lunch table that got smaller. The tray makes the social world visible — and once a child can see their world, they can begin to move in it.

12 prompts Approx. ages 6 through college Print-friendly

Before you begin

Friendship is not a soft topic. The research is clear that peer connection is one of the strongest protective factors in childhood and adolescence — and that peer rejection and loneliness carry real risks for depression, suicidality, and academic outcomes (Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2018; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). When a student lands on your caseload because of friendship trouble, you are not adjudicating a dispute. You are working on a developmental task whose stakes are higher than most adults remember.

Mapping the social world

1. Build your social world right now

Sociogram · Ages 6+
"Build the people in your life. Friends, kids you eat lunch with, kids you don't eat with anymore, family, anyone. Place them however the relationship feels — close, far, in groups, alone."
What to watch for This is sociometry in the sand. Distance, clustering, who faces whom, who is at the edge — all of it is data. Photograph the build. Doing this prompt every six to eight weeks across a year produces a longitudinal social map that often reveals shifts the student couldn't articulate verbally. Particularly powerful for clients in social transition (new school, friend group changes).
Sociometry (Moreno, 1934/1953); attachment-based peer mapping (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).

2. The people who make you feel like yourself

Secure attachment · Ages 6+
"Build a small scene of the people you feel most yourself around. Not who you have to perform for — who lets you just be. Family counts. Pets count. People who aren't around anymore count."
What to watch for Identifies the client's secure-base figures. Save the screenshot. For students struggling socially, this prompt restores the truth that they have already practiced friendship somewhere, even if school feels like a wasteland. The image is a touchstone.
Secure base in attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988); compassion-focused therapy resourcing (Gilbert, 2010).

3. What kind of friend are you?

Identity · Ages 8+
"Forget what other people think for a second. Build a scene that shows what kind of friend you are when you're being your best self. The funny one, the listener, the one who shows up, the one who says hard truths — what's true for you?"
What to watch for Strengths-based friendship identity. Often surfaces capacities the student didn't know to claim. For socially anxious students, this prompt reveals that they already know what good friendship looks like; the work is then about learning to offer it. The build is also a reframe — friendship is something you bring, not just something you receive.
Strengths perspective (Saleebey, 1996); ASCA Behavior B-SS 6 (positive interactions with peers); narrative re-authoring (White, 2007).

When friendship hurts

4. After a fight

Repair · Ages 7+
"Build a scene of you and your friend after the fight. Where are you each? What's between you? It's okay if it doesn't feel resolved yet — show it the way it actually is right now."
What to watch for The "between" matters most. A wall, an empty space, a literal sandtray distance — what the client builds in the space between figures shows what feels uncrossable. Useful follow-up: "If you could move one figure one inch, who would move and where?" A small, specific move is often the entry point to repair.
Restorative practice (Pranis, 2005); Solution-Focused "small change" interventions (de Shazer, 1985).

5. When the friend group changed

Loss of belonging · Ages 8+
"Build the friend group as it was — and then build it as it is now. Use the same figures or different ones. Show what shifted. Where are you in each version?"
What to watch for Friend group shifts are a real form of loss, often unacknowledged by adults. The before/after comparison gives the client permission to grieve what changed — including the version of themselves who fit there. Pair with the Grief & Loss library if the loss is heavy. Pair with the Transitions & Change library if the shift is part of a broader life transition.
Disenfranchised grief (Doka, 1989); peer-group transitions in adolescence (Brown & Larson, 2009).

6. Being left out

Exclusion · Ages 7+
"Build a scene of a time you were left out. Doesn't have to be the worst time. Just one. Where were you? Where were they? What was happening?"
What to watch for Exclusion activates the same neural pathways as physical pain (Eisenberger, Lieberman, & Williams, 2003) — clients are not exaggerating when they describe it as hurting. The build often produces tears or heat. Witness; don't problem-solve in the moment. The first task is to validate that this hurts, before any later work on what to do about it.
Social pain neuroscience (Eisenberger et al., 2003); ostracism research (Williams, 2009).

Bullying, bystanders, and brave moves

7. The target, the kid doing it, the bystander, the one who stepped in

Bullying complexity · Ages 8+ · Use with care
"In a tough social moment, there are usually four kinds of people — the kid being targeted, the kid doing it, the kids watching, and the kid who steps in. Build a scene of a tough moment. Pick figures for as many of those roles as fit. You can be in any role."
What to watch for Decades of bullying research show that bystander behavior is the most modifiable lever in school climate (Salmivalli, 2010). This prompt helps a student see their own location in those dynamics — not always as victim or perpetrator, but often as bystander. Validating that "watching and not knowing what to do" is itself a role can be the first step to a different choice next time. Use only with stabilized students; for active bullying disclosures, follow your reporting protocol first.
Bystander roles in bullying (Salmivalli, Lagerspetz, Björkqvist, Österman, & Kaukiainen, 1996; Salmivalli, 2010).

8. The brave move you didn't make (and the one you did)

Past mastery · Ages 8+
"Build two small scenes. One: a brave thing you wish you'd done in a friendship — but didn't. Two: a brave thing you actually did. Even a tiny one. Sat next to someone alone. Said hi to a new kid. Stood up in a small way."
What to watch for Holds both the regret and the evidence. Most students underestimate their record of social courage. Naming the second scene out loud — and saving the screenshot — installs the evidence so it's there to call on next time. Pair with prompt #11 in Strengths & Identity (the hero) for older students.
Self-efficacy (Bandura, 1997); narrative "unique outcomes" (White, 2007); upstander research in school climate (Salmivalli, 2010).

Loneliness, solitude, and what's underneath

9. Lonely vs. alone

Distinction · Ages 10+
"Build two scenes side by side. One: being lonely. Two: being alone in a way that feels okay. Let yourself notice what's different — even if you've never thought about there being a difference."
What to watch for Many students conflate solitude with rejection. The distinction is real and clinically important — clients who learn to be okay alone are less reactive in social conflict and less dependent on group inclusion to feel like themselves. Watch for which scene comes more easily. A student who cannot build "alone okay" needs that as treatment focus.
Loneliness vs. solitude research (Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2018; Long & Averill, 2003).

10. The friendship you wish you had

Hope / values · Ages 8+
"Build a scene of the kind of friendship you wish you had. Two figures, doing something. What are they doing? How does it feel? You don't have to know who the figures are — just what kind of friendship it is."
What to watch for Names what the client values in friendship — usually with more clarity than direct questions can elicit. Often surfaces specifics: someone who actually listens, someone who doesn't have a million other friends, someone who shows up. Those values become the criteria the client can use to identify and pursue real friendships.
Possible selves / possible relationships (Markus & Nurius, 1986); ACT values clarification (Hayes et al., 2012).

The digital social world

11. Online you / in-person you

Digital identity · Ages 11+
"Build two scenes. The way you show up online — Snap, Insta, group chats, gaming — and the way you show up in person. Are they the same? Different? Where do they meet, and where don't they?"
What to watch for Digital social life is real social life, not a lesser version. The gap between online and in-person selves is data — sometimes performance, sometimes safety, sometimes the digital self is closer to authentic than the in-person one is allowed to be (especially for LGBTQ+ youth or students in restrictive environments). Don't moralize about screens. Be curious about what each version of the self does and provides.
Adolescent digital identity research (boyd, 2014; Twenge, 2017); LGBTQ+ youth and online affirmation (Craig & McInroy, 2014).

12. Three figures: who I want to be a friend to

Outward action · Ages 7+
"Pick three figures of people in your life right now — anyone — and build a tiny scene of how you want to be a friend to each of them. Doesn't have to be perfect. Just real."
What to watch for Shifts the client from "what am I getting" to "what am I bringing." For students caught in scarcity (no one likes me, no one sits with me), this prompt restores agency. Often surfaces specific intentions — call grandma, sit with the new kid, send a kind message. Those become the next-week plan you write on a sticky note.
Behavioral activation in interpersonal work (Martell et al., 2010); compassion-as-action (Gilbert, 2010); ASCA Behavior B-SS 4 (empathy).

For school counselors specifically

The friendship-trouble referral. When a teacher refers a student for "drama" or "friendship issues," resist the framing of triviality. The student in front of you is doing developmentally serious work. Lead with prompt #1 (build your social world) — most useful first session, and produces a map you can both refer back to.

The new student. A student arriving mid-year, or transferring grades, often lands without a place to sit at lunch. Prompts #2 (people who make you feel like yourself), #10 (the friendship you wish you had), and #12 (who I want to be a friend to) make a strong first month of sessions. Pair with the Transitions & Change library.

Group sandtray for friendship work. Three to five students with overlapping social challenges can do a modified version of #1 (each builds their own corner of the tray) followed by group reflection. The group itself becomes a small low-stakes laboratory for the skills they're learning. (Forthcoming Group Sandtray protocol will detail this.)

Bullying. If a student discloses ongoing, power-imbalanced harm — repeated, targeted, with intent to harm and a power differential the target can't escape — that is bullying, not friendship trouble (Olweus, 1993). Follow your school's reporting protocol. Prompts #6, #7, and #8 can support the student through it, but they do not replace the systemic response.

Refer when appropriate. Persistent social isolation, escalating distress, or disclosures involving safety belong to a broader clinical or family conversation. Maintain a referral list and have the conversation early.

Citations & Further Reading

  1. Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. W. H. Freeman.
  2. Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
  3. boyd, d. (2014). It's complicated: The social lives of networked teens. Yale University Press.
  4. Brown, B. B., & Larson, J. (2009). Peer relationships in adolescence. In R. M. Lerner & L. Steinberg (Eds.), Handbook of adolescent psychology (3rd ed., Vol. 2, pp. 74–103). Wiley.
  5. Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2018). The growing problem of loneliness. The Lancet, 391(10119), 426.
  6. Craig, S. L., & McInroy, L. (2014). You can form a part of yourself online: The influence of new media on identity development and coming out for LGBTQ youth. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health, 18(1), 95–109.
  7. de Shazer, S. (1985). Keys to solution in brief therapy. W. W. Norton.
  8. Doka, K. J. (Ed.). (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.
  9. Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290–292.
  10. Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion focused therapy: Distinctive features. Routledge.
  11. Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford.
  12. Kuypers, L. M. (2011). The Zones of Regulation: A curriculum designed to foster self-regulation and emotional control. Think Social Publishing.
  13. Long, C. R., & Averill, J. R. (2003). Solitude: An exploration of benefits of being alone. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 33(1), 21–44.
  14. Markus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American Psychologist, 41(9), 954–969.
  15. Martell, C. R., Dimidjian, S., & Herman-Dunn, R. (2010). Behavioral activation for depression. Guilford.
  16. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford.
  17. Moreno, J. L. (1953). Who shall survive? Foundations of sociometry, group psychotherapy and sociodrama (2nd ed.). Beacon House. (Original work published 1934)
  18. Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at school: What we know and what we can do. Blackwell.
  19. Pranis, K. (2005). The little book of circle processes: A new/old approach to peacemaking. Good Books.
  20. Saleebey, D. (1996). The strengths perspective in social work practice. Social Work, 41(3), 296–305.
  21. Salmivalli, C. (2010). Bullying and the peer group: A review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 15(2), 112–120.
  22. Salmivalli, C., Lagerspetz, K., Björkqvist, K., Österman, K., & Kaukiainen, A. (1996). Bullying as a group process: Participant roles and their relations to social status within the group. Aggressive Behavior, 22(1), 1–15.
  23. Twenge, J. M. (2017). iGen: Why today's super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy — and completely unprepared for adulthood. Atria Books.
  24. White, M. (2007). Maps of narrative practice. W. W. Norton.
  25. Williams, K. D. (2009). Ostracism: A temporal need-threat model. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 41, 275–314.